Can you blame me if I had moved on long before we broke up? Was it wrong that I was happier spending time alone than being with you?
It wasn’t sudden. It’s not like I woke up one day and realized that I don’t love you anymore. There were tell-tale signs and you chose to shrug them off.
You knew we both felt exhausted at some point. We barely talked. We would spend time together, but we were both walking on thin ice.
I was at fault too. Maybe I wanted more from you – more of your affection; more of your time. It was probably because I saw you were starting to be smug, and I didn’t feel like I still mattered.
Can you blame me for seeing my worth long before you realized it? You probably thought that I wouldn’t have the courage to leave you because it had always been that way. You’d say sorry countless times, and I’d always forgive you. But I can’t always be too forgiving. Forgive me, but I grew tired.
I got tired of always trying to be understanding – to be the girl you’ve always loved. Our years of being together taught me that I can’t always be the one fighting. It taught me that some battles are just not worth fighting. So, I surrendered.
Forgive me because I couldn’t fight anymore.
Forgive me for not feeling anything at all after everything that happened.
I took you for granted. I wouldn’t deny that fact. I ignored all the things you did for me- I ignored you.
I ignored all the emotions you made me feel and everything I felt for you- and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I was chasing the wrong person all the while you were there for me. I didn’t even get to thank you for all the things you did for me- for being so kind and not taking advantage of me even in my most vulnerable state. I didn’t even get to say that I like you.
I appreciate all the small things and gestures- all the late-night talks and the jokes you threw when you knew I needed them. The countless times you sat beside me and made me feel okay when everything felt so heavy around me. I’m sorry I got too scared.
I was too scared of losing “us”. I was too scared of losing the familiar comfort of knowing, whatever happens, you’ll be there. I was wrong. Not only did I lose our friendship- I lost you.
Now I don’t even know how to talk to you. I lost my chance. But seeing you happy is enough. I need to let go now.
I wanted to believe you really missed me- that time wasn’t just right for us to talk again.
I wanted to believe that life isn’t the same without me- that you’ve been thinking of me.
I wanted to believe you’ve been waiting for me- that you’ve been longing for me.
I wanted to believe in every single word you say. But, I know believing means hurting. Believing means I’d wait ’til you decide to talk to me again when it is convenient for you.
I don’t want to be that girl you’d only remember when you aren’t busy- when you’ve got no one to talk with. I don’t want to be that girl again who’s willing to risk everything with a single “hi” from you.
Here’s to all the words I’ve never got to tell you. You came to my life when I wasn’t even looking. You filled my days with smiles, and nights with uncertainties; Forgetting everything there is to be scared as long as I have you. But how could you be so sweet yet so cruel? I didn’t know your touch meant goodbye.
Here’s to all the times I woke up in the middle of the night and was haunted by your memories. I remembered staying up so late just to be with you. We would talk about all our dreams. You told me why your guard is up and can’t give your heart completely; I told you you’re everything I want but I can’t give my heart completely.
Here’s to all the fucking emotions you made me feel. I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t even tell anyone about you-about us. They would never understand. You were all I wanted but it would never be right.
Here’s to all the days we’ve been together that weren’t ours. To all the borrowed moments-to all the secret glances and messages; To everything wrong but felt so right.
Here’s to you and to the fire you started in my heart. You would never know how it consumes me and burns everything I tried to keep together. You would never know all of these are because of you.
What happens when everything is over? What happens when you’re starting to move on or thought you’ve had? What happens when you are alone and the silence of the moment succumbs to you?
Memories.
It’s when memories kick in. It’s when they start haunting you. It’s when you start having flashbacks from simple things- from an old song, or a faint smell. It’s the single moment of spacing out which transports you to the moments you wish you could forget- the smiles, the laughs, and the conversations.
Those are the memories that start bringing you the negative emotions you wish you won’t feel- sadness, pain, betrayal, anger- everything that is there to feel after a break-up, after losing someone, and after being left alone.
You drown yourself into fake happiness; convincing yourself that it’s not your fault it happened or maybe it’s just not meant to be.
Making false assurance that everything is going to be okay, though you know it will take time. No one knows how long it will take.
So in the meantime, all you can do is reminisce, relive, and get hurt by all the memories.
It didn’t happen overnight. It’s not like I woke up one day and realized I don’t feel anything for him anymore. The process was gradual. There were tell-tale signs along the way which we both overlooked.
Indifference. Cambridge Dictionary defined it as “lack of interest in someone or something”. At first, I didn’t know that emotion, if there’s even an emotion at all there, exists. I thought the opposite of love is hate. However, after much reflection on what happened to us, I realized I don’t hate him, but I don’t love him either. I just don’t feel anything anymore.
Cynics would say it’s impossible to wake up one day and not feel anything anymore to the person you were once madly in love with. But, it is possible. I took note of all the possible factors that led me to this feeling and there are plenty.
First, consistency. You know when at the beginning of courtship, everything feels so magical and romantic and you’re just like walking on air? That’s because you’re trying to impress your partner. You want them to see the best side of you. In a long-term relationship that could fade, of course, since you’ve already been so comfortable with each other you can even shamelessly fart in front of him or her, which you couldn’t do during the first year of courtship. The consistency I meant is on the actions and the words. If you say you’d make it up for coming late or for not meeting each other on a particular day, then prove it. You won’t only be sorry in one day and do the same mistake again after some time. Also, we can be sweet to our partners today and ignore them the next day just because we’re busy. Communication is important, yes, but no matter how much you talk about the problem in your relationships, yet nothing changes, it’s all gonna be a disaster.
Second,thelittle things. Women, no matter how cheesy this may sound, are suckers for little things. It’s not the big and grand things men do that made us fall. It’s the small things. Simple things like remembering our favorite food or movie, knowing it’s our favorite song on the radio, or just opening the door, means a lot to us. Not that we expect you to do them every day, but most women, including I, are into them. You know, women still like to think, though we don’t show it, that chivalry is not dead.
Third, security– and I mean both financial and emotional security. Let’s say you go on a date, some women would split the bill, I would. But, there are times we want our partner to spend on us. Gifts, I’m not very demanding on these things, however, there are instances I’d like to feel appreciated- to feel “special”. You don’t need to buy expensive things, a simple bouquet of roses, our favorite cosmetics, or even just anything you think your girl would like is enough. Next, is emotional security. Who doesn’t like to have someone who feels like “home” and who would understand you no matter what? We all do. However, what’s the use of being in a relationship if you can’t even tell your partner even the smallest worry you feel. There are several factors to these. The first is emotional invalidation. We all have our own issues. But, sometimes we think our own problem is much more important compared to others. No, honey. Problems are problems, no matter how small or big they are. The early you fix it, the better. The later you solve it, the more other problems would arise. Second, being too busy. We are all busy, who isn’t? We live in the 21st century where everything is fast-paced. However, just because we are busy doesn’t mean that we should not listen to each others’ problems or pretend to be listening but our minds are wandering somewhere. Trust me, if you don’t listen to your partner, chances are he or she might look for other people who would. Lastly, emotional incompatibility. On different levels, human emotions are complex. One could be a little too sensitive while the other could be insensitive. But, that doesn’t mean they couldn’t be together. It’s just when problems arise, it would be a little difficult for them to meet halfway unless they would really talk the problem out. If not, the other might look for someone who could understand what he or she feels.
Fourth, routine. Routines are important. It keeps us sane. But, it is a major relationship wrecker. Imagine, being in a relationship for a while and you do just the exact same thing every time. You meet, you hang out for a few hours, then you go home. Or, you send a ” good morning” message, followed by “have you eaten” and a “good night”. Imagine doing that or receiving that every single day? Isn’t so BORING? A relationship doesn’t have to be that extraordinary, but there should be a different thing every time. A spice to keep the relationship exciting and going. Say, you meet today, instead of going to a movie or eating out, why not try to do things out of your usual routine like biking or hiking or just anything out of ordinary. You might even get to see a side of your partner you haven’t seen before.
Finally, being too comfortable. Being comfortable in a relationship is good. It lets you show who you are without any pretentiousness. However, the problem is when we get too comfortable. We tend to become too complacent that we forget to exert effort into the relationship. Being “best friends” with your partner is ideal, but what if there’s more “friendship” in your relationship than romance?
Being in a relationship for almost five years made me realize that the factors that could ruin a relationship are the same factors that could save it. But, it takes two to tango. A relationship is a partnership. If the rower would only row on one side, the boat would sink. The same concept goes in a relationship, if only one person tries to save it, it’s not savable at all.
of the beautiful thoughts 